Who R. you Kelly? Puppet master, Bill Cosby clone, a R&B version of Wilmer Valderrama, a Don Johnson Don Juan, a Doug Hutchison horndog, Elvis by example?


Because when you really think about the other, much older celebrity slobs who’ve had sexual relationships with underage girls and young women in their late teens, the one who you most resemble for the worst barrel-scraping is the disgusting, FLDS leader-turned-con, Warren Jeffs.

You know him right? He’s the cult leader who kept dozens of young women as his sex slaves/wives for decades.

R. Kelly controls women in ‘cult,’ regulates all they do: report

You R. Jeffs with jewelry.

For those of you who aren’t in a news coma or are not R. Kelly himself, you know that an explosive investigative report in BuzzFeed alleges that Kelly’s been keeping six young women against their will in an abusive cult, dictating how they eat, with whom they have sex — which you record — when they bathe, how they dress, and when they sleep.

Kelly and one young woman, Joycelyn Savage, whose parents are leveling the charges, both vehemently deny she’s being held in any kind of sex cult. Savage in fact, recorded a video saying she is perfectly fine. She just won’t say whether she’s allowed to leave.

And really, if there hadn’t been around eight sex scandals with Kelly’s name on them, it might be easier to buy what R. and Joycelyn Savage are selling.

Woman denies that R. Kelly brainwashed her amid parents claims

I mean, one of the past allegations even involved a videotape of Kelly urinating in an alleged 13-year-old girl’s mouth. The only reason he is still walking among us is because the jury couldn’t be sure the girl was underage at the time.

I mean, seriously?

Given all of that, I have to ask, in Kelly’s defense I’m ashamed to say, how in the hell could Jonjelyn Savage — the mother of then-aspiring singer Joycelyn, (who they say Kelly is keeping against her will) — have gone backstage with her to meet and hang out with Kelly in the first place?

This would be like taking your aspiring actress daughter to meet Roman Polanski.

Man urges R. Kelly to sue him amid brainwashing claims

Mrs. Savage even posted a photo of herself posing with Kelly and her daughter in 2016 on Facebook. The man makes Charlie Sheen look decent. Well, almost.

Truth: No matter how much you want to help your teenager succeed in show business, you don’t pose with or go anywhere near a man who has had child porn charges lodged against him with corroborating video. You don’t go backstage with your daughter to meet a man who once eloped with a 14-year-old (singer Aaliyah), when he was 27. You don’t have your daughter pose with a man whose illegal marriage to a child had to be forcibly annulled by her parents.

You don’t have your daughter even meet a man — no matter how famous and well-connected — who already had more than a dozen sex scandals under his belt.

There’s just no defending any of it, but if Joycelyn and the other young women ARE being held against their will, or are the victims as their parents say, of Stockholm syndrome, the law can investigate this under false imprisonment — unlawful restraint of a person against his or her will.

R. Kelly shares motivational tweet amid claims he controls women

Sure they can investigate, but remember, R. Kelly is a guy who walked after being charged with 21 counts of making child porn.

And we all know, with rare exception, celebrity walks even if EVERYBODY talks.